I’ve just returned from a trip down south to visit my mother, who is now 91 years old. These moments with just the two of us are rich and wonderful. Amidst playing cards, picking flowers, driving around town, take-out lunches, baking cookies, and morning devotions I learn a little bit more about my mother and a little bit more about myself. I’ve always treasured time with my family, but in recent years I’ve come to realize time with my family is not just about being together it’s about understanding on a deeper level who I am.

A little over two and a half years ago, I began studying Bowen Family Systems theory to try to gain a better understanding of why I often felt “frozen” on the inside in difficult conversations. Bowen said that much of our behavior is formed in our families of origin before we leave home. Understanding one’s family of origin is key to understanding one’s self. Exploring difficult relationships, investigating family secrets, and observing how family members responded to key events in the family and culture are all part of the journey of discovery. As one gains insights into how one has been shaped by one’s family of origin, one can make adjustments. These adjustments might include showing up for a distant family member’s funeral, reaching out to an estranged family member, or taking the initiative to get to know individual family members outside of the family group. The idea here is that as we are in the family, we are in life. One of the principles I value from Bowen Theory is that the attention is always on one’s self and adjustments one can make rather than needing or wanting to “fix” everyone else. A question I now often find myself asking in various situations is “what do I need to do differently here?”

On this trip to see my mom, one afternoon, she pulled out her trusty file and walked me through my paternal grandfather’s brothers and sisters. She shared with me memories she had of those she had known, where they lived, and what had been their livelihood. Names I had heard all my life and many faces I had seen became clearer. I finally understood who Ed, Ruth, Jack, Mary Frances, Mike and Morres were along with many others. When she shared that Jack had a job in sales and often stopped by the farm to visit, I realized why I have more of a memory of him than the others. Oddly enough several hours after reviewing this part of our family line we received a call that Ed’s only son, O’Keefe, had died earlier that day. Bowen suggests that as we study the family invisible connections are formed knitting us with those we may have never seen or personally known. The late afternoon phone call announcing O’Keefe’s death seemed to underscore that truth. I’m aware that as I explore my family of origin, I feel a strong connection to each of them regardless of whether or not I knew them.

This journey is helping me become clearer not only about who I am, but about who I want to be in life – present, connected, and engaged. This journey is also enabling me to move from being frozen to being able to stay in the conversation even when it is hard. Not easy for sure, and maybe not even pretty, but I’m doing a little bit better each time.