Bella was the primary caregiver for her husband for the last 10 years of his life. A shut-in, he was highly dependent on Bella for day to day care, doctor’s visits, stimulation, and all the things that many of us take for granted. But Bella loved him and was devoted to him and shaped her days by his routine. With the passing of time the rhythm of getting together with friends and family faded away. It wasn’t intentional. It just was. When Bella’s husband died she continued to live her quiet life until a couple of years later when she decided to move into a retirement community. Overnight, it seemed as if Bella had neighbors knocking on her door, people inviting her to join them for dinner, play cards, attend worship. Bella, who had grown accustomed to her solitary life was hesitant, but she wanted to be gracious so she said, “yes.” Bit by bit new friends were made, new routines carved out and Bella began to flourish. Years later when she died her son remarked, “I thought mom was happy living her quiet life, but when she began to make friends again after Dad’s death a whole new person emerged.”

Relationships matter. We thrive through relationships and lack stimulation, growth and encouragement when we are isolated from others. I believe we were created, designed to be in relationship with others. God did not create us to journey through this world alone. 

One of the gifts, I have experienced working in a life plan community with elders is the daily reminder that as the demands of a job or raising a family ease, as the body becomes less agile, as we receive and allow ourselves more time to reflect, to ponder, to consider – it’s the relationships that occupy our minds and hearts. We remember relationships of our earlier years – family, classmates, neighbors, colleagues and friends; and have the opportunity to cultivate new relationships in the present.

Making the most of the years of growing older is recognizing the opportunities for growth that are very much present – one can learn more, love more, experience more, discover more about one’s self and about others. Aristotle considered our relationships with others, particularly the relationship called friendship to be the point of human life. Not something extra, not a bonus, not one of many options – but the very essence of life. 

It takes a lot of courage to grow older – as friends and loved ones decline in health and well-being and are no longer here we can isolate ourselves. We can say, “oh I am just fine reading my book and sitting with my memories.” Or we can take the initiative to build relationships with others. The temptation to grow old, to disengage is significant. And yet our need for others – for understanding, for comfort, for encouragement, for the sense of presence that comes when you receive that phone call or knock on the door is greater than ever. 

I received a message earlier this year from a woman named Teresa, who was a neighbor of my grandmother many years ago. When my grandmother was in her early 80s she sold her home, downsized and moved into a smaller house in a nearby town. She found herself living beside a young couple who were  in their late 20s and they struck up a friendship. They shared meals together, sewing projects and lots of stories. My grandmother has been gone from this earth for well over a decade now, but Teresa (who is now in her 60s) shared that the memories of that unexpected friendship in that season of her life still bring her joy. And I imagine the time they shared brought vitality and joy to my grandmother as well.

I believe relationships are the sign of the presence of a loving God in our lives. There is no stage of life without relationships. But it can be a difficult. I find great inspiration in my 26-year-old son, Ben, who moved to New York two summers ago and began to challenge himself early on to reach out to someone every week to get together. He said that it doesn’t surprise him when people don’t respond, or have a conflict, or even forget when plans are made. He doesn’t focus on that. He says he focuses on his actions, on making the effort to connect with others, of communicating that he’s interested. And every time he makes an effort he mentally tells himself – good job. He doesn’t let himself be discouraged by how complicated and busy life is for people. He doesn’t shrink from extending the invitation for fear of rejection. He just keeps making the effort and over the course of time he’s met a lot of people and cultivated a lot of relationships. 

I’ve been trying to follow Ben’s lead and last year I went to my college class reunion. I was a little nervous the day before – it had been a while (35 years), but I told myself, “just make the effort – just go,” and I did and I was so unexpectedly blessed by the opportunity to be with others if only for a short while. Could I have passed it up and been fine? Absolutely. But I didn’t and I discovered there was a gift in that gathering waiting for me that I would not have received otherwise – joy, delight, laughter and connection. I’m grateful I had the courage to step out of my routine and go.

I’m wondering what unexpected gift might be waiting for you in a casual conversation, a phone call, a knock on the door, a letter or an email, a game of cards, a cup of tea, a walk with a neighbor, or a visit with a relative. You’ll never know until you dust yourself off and dare to try.

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that at some point many relationships hit a time of difficulty. It might be a disagreement, a disappointment, or a period of physical change and challenge.  Do we abandon the relationship? Do we avoid each other? Do we make up excuses? We could. That’s certainly an option and a rather common response these days, but I believe that no matter how difficult a situation is, no matter how hot the fire gets – relationships matter.

The strength of a relationship is not measured by the absence of problems, but by how well the difficulty is navigated. A good relationship involves – sympathy, love, compassion, humility and even restraint. I think part of my nervousness about attending my class reunion was the memory of a relationship with a classmate that went awry in my senior year.

When I have difficulty in a relationship I see it primarily as my opportunity to grow, my opportunity to think what is the reason for the conflict and I ponder what in my character or heart needs attention. It’s not always an easy task, but it is a sincere one. I recognize I am very much a work in progress and am hopeful that God can continue to do God’s work in and through me at all times and places. 

I think relationships are the primary way we can grow as people of faith as we discover and make amends and try again. In fact, I think relationships are how we mature and flourish as human beings.

I have this idea that long before any of us were born and God was imagining creation  God delighted in the vision of the joy and delight and love and hope and comfort and companionship human beings could offer one another.

“Just imagine,” God pondered, “what a blessing human beings could be to one another, but not only that, just imagine what human beings could become with the presence of others in their lives.”

Relationships matter, maybe today you can let someone know how much they matter to you