Who am I?

I am restless, pacing, wondering, reaching.

I want to know who I am.

Years of care, love at its best, have been lavished on me

and yet, I am trying to slowly sort through these feelings that often lay heavy on me.

It’s not that I don’t want to be loved, to be embraced,

but sometimes I feel caught by it, overwhelmed in fact.

Can I think for myself? Can I risk making mistakes?

Can I choose to do what I want to do

and still be loved?

Yes, that’s it. I want to breathe, to stand tall and confident.

I want to lean into challenges.

And if I make choices that somehow prove to be….  

What?

If I make choices that prove to be less than what I think others would have wanted for me

I want to still be loved.

Is that too much to ask? Is it too risky? Is love being compliant?

Or is love being faithful to that person deep on the inside that wants to be heard,

even though I don’t know if that person is lovable?

Some days I feel courageous like I can face these questions and their answers.

And some days,

some days I just pace.